Late Night Tales 038 – My Blueberry Nights

{Elisabeth and Sam}

 

Elisabeth: whispering and quoting jeremy ( a character from Wong Kar Wai’s film – My blueberry Nights)

“A few years ago, I had a dream. It began in the summer and was over by the following spring. In between, there were as many unhappy nights as there were happy days. Most of them took place in this café. And then one night, a door slammed and the dream was over.”

{Elisabeth’s house – Internal – Night – Sam arrives}

S- Hey, I didn’t know you were home

E – I am…

S – And you’re watching that film again?

E – Yes I am

S – Do you want to talk?

E – I don’t know it feels weird right now

S – What feels weird?

E – To feel

S – But what are you feeling?

E – It’s been 5 days I don’t leave the house so I can look after her, I’m not sleeping… my only meal today was a bag of salty popcorn

I’m very tired Sam.

S – Things will be ok very soon you know that right? She’s getting better and you will have some rest

It’s all temporary

E – I know… I’ve been thinking about internal torments, how a minute can transform itself  in long periods of pain but, at the same time a minute can not become long periods of happiness, why that?

S – I don’t have that answer, is it just the stress of the moment and your tiredness that’s bothering you?

E – maybe is the fact that due to what you mentioned I’m feeling human again, I’m feeling fragile and shedding tears

S – This is not a bad thing and you know that, it was about time

E – I don’t want to soften up

S – They don’t hurt you if you don’t allow them to

E – and why is it hurting now?

S –  Because sometimes we have to deal with inevitable things that life put us through, no one will escape that, nor me or you or anyone we know and there’s nothing you can do about it but allow the tears you’re afraid of showing to come out

E – Would you stay with us tonight?

S – Yes I can, let me help you to look after her ok?

E – ok

S – do you want to finish the film? God how many times you watched that and why everytime you’re not ok you go back and watch it again?

E – I’m not sure, It comforts me somehow, the encounters, the decisions and changes and challenges and mistakes and the blueberries… and the light, the light is beautiful.

S – I like when you describe the beauty of things

E – Would you keep an eye on her while I have a shower? I haven’t washed my hair in days

S – Take your time, I’m not going anywhere tonight

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Late Night Tales 037 – the now

We are living a very strange moment, as a friend said, 2016 is the craziest year since we were born, and it’s true but, independently of all the political situation and crazy government measures what shocks me more are small and big atitudes people have.

Nowadays, maybe social media potentialise it, but the desperation people have to make everything about Themselves is enormous and I don’t get it.

The lack of empathy for the other and a selfish impulse to not really try or even want to accept and understand that life is not an excel sheet and that “shit happens” makes me ( and some of my closest friends) consider isolation somewhere far away

Life has thrown some very difficult situations towards me in the past years, I’ve seen everything from people who I consider good friends coming, unfortunately not in a positive way solely because they were thinking about their own needs which kind of made me change the way I see them and the perspective of the relationships

Asking a friend to go for a walk far from the city to clear up my mind after a very traumatic experience and the person making it about himself, inputting rules because when he was a child shit happened… Sorry Sr. Right now I just need a friend to walk with me in the woods, I won’t play your therapist

Another who couldn’t understand that a friend took my phone away by accident and gave me a speech telling me what I should have done… what? Have you considered that I’ve had to go all the way to get my phone back and be able to message you? No of course not, was all about YOUR waiting right?

Other who told me off as I went to my hometown and didn’t call, well I was with my sick mother in the hospital, not even I knew I would be there as it was a last minute call… besides I was there for 4 days and my family was my priority, not you

Another who knew what was going on with me and took 2 weeks to send a text, when the person did she said she didn’t have time, funny there was enough time to post videos on social media etc etc but not to message a friend asking if everything was ok?

Just 3 words: “are you ok?”

Among many other examples we can see out there if not mattering about others lives as soon as theirs will become better

Maybe I’m stil falling into the trap of thinking that people should do what I do, or maybe everything I wrote and what the world is showing is true, who knows

All I know is that it’s been a very important learning curve, a hard one but is good to declutter the house once in a while right?

Another “experience” I’m making is to not contact or try to reach people who I know was only coming to me when they needed a favor, it’s been enlightening.

What do I want?

To hope that people will open up their minds and start trying to understand other’s situations, that they will stop being so self absorbed and try to understand what’s actually live collectively.

Have a good day everyone

X

Elisabeth

Late Night Tales 035 – Anouk

{Elisabeth and Anouk}

So I’ve heard a noise outside, my impression was that she was so nervous that she couldn’t even properly set up the keys to get in ( yes I leave a set of keys at a hidden spot for my close friends)

I looked through the window and there she was, Anouk.

I ran downstairs and opened, she was a bit erratic, agitated… crying. It was alarming so I brought her in, sat with her on my livingroom floor and started talking (or trying to)

A – It was horrible

E – What happened?

A – all the things he said… what he did… was so hurtful, I’m so angry

E – What happened Anouk?

A – That miserable loser who can only deal with people who will believe in his delusional reality, cheerleaders, weak so weak, it was so hurtful I’m so stupid

I noticed she was struggling to make sense, so I stood up went to the kitchen to prepare a holy basil tea and came back, we sat there for a while in silence. She was in shock crying, I realised that trying to get an explanation about her emotional state, on that moment, wouldn’t be possible.

She was passing on the mug from one hand to the other, staring at the floor… I wanted to hug her but she was so disconnected that I really struggled to find a quick solution to make her feel better… then she started talking

A – We’ve met for a coffee, he was late as he concluded I wasn’t coming, after I called him he headed over there.

 As he arrived, his expression was different, it wasn’t the person I’ve met in Paris a few days ago… he was cold..

He looked at me and said he would have to end our story, I was honestly confused as till 2 days ago he was happy and making plans… Plans involving me! 

He started talking non stop, quite loudly and we were at a café down the corner of my workplace

E – Oh the Australian one?

A – Yes, he was talking really fast, mentioned he didn’t wanted any of it, that he was castrated by his dominant ex wife, that the kids were complaining about his constant travelling, also that his little girl wanted him to go back to the family house.

 Complained that his work was booking him on too many flights… It was when his phone rang and he said cut me off and said he would have to leave

I questioned him as he scheduled that coffee and said he was free for the morning, he looked at me very angrily and said it was X agency from Paris, that was work and his job is much more important than mine, that he’s not someone like me who ‘sits at a desk and write statuses… It’s my fucking job what allows him to do his stupid films! People like me with the desk jobs are the ones guaranteeing that people like him would be able to direct films!!!!

E – Oh my God…

A – He left the cafe and went outside to take the call, it was raining quite badly and my impression was that he would just walk away and leave me tyere crying, I was so embarrassed I could barely move from my seat

He came back after 20 minutes saying it was a good call and that everything is magic and will be epic, that the agency was ecstatic with his ideas… That was X agency from Paris!!! X agency from Paris!!! 

I asked him to go somewhere else as I didn’t want any of my colleagues to bump into us having that conversation, I was very nervous and crying, he agreed. We walked towards another restaurant across the canal, he was mentioning he would have a wardrobe fitting on that day and that would be amazing, on that moment I couldn’t believe how cold and detached from reality he was…

To be honest from the 1st time I met him I noticed there was something off but do you know when you ignore your intuition and decide to give people a chance? I think that was my mistake 

E – This is very bizarre, I thought things were doing great between you too, you were giving him tons of support and space, even listening to everything  he was throwing on you about his ex wife…

A – I know but maybe the fact that I wasn’t someone cheering for all the bullshit he was trying to sell me made him uncomfortable, I was too real you know? All the stories that the edit was epic, best film done so far, the agency was calling headhunters to double their salaries after watching the film

E – haha what?

A – Yes he said that to me in Paris, I listened and smiled but we know that doesn’t exist right?

E – Oh my God!

A – Yes, so we sat at this restaurant, I was crying and mentioned to him that we wouldn’t ever see each other again, he said it didn’t have to be like that… Once again the selfish bastard only thinking about himself, that he wasn’t saying that we would never be together again so I questioned why now if everything was ok?

He said he only want to do a long format film and skateboard, started mentioning his ex wife again ( who by the way cheated on him with her spiritual guru while he was being ‘Epic’ somewhere else), said he doesn’t like sex cause is way too stressful and he was just using me for company but at the same time I’m perfect and cool, so precious like a Faberge Egg, something he can’t crack the code.

It was so shocking that I couldn’t even find a reasonable explanation to keep up with the conversation, then after he finished eating his eggs he looked at me and said:

“Do you know what? The reason why it doesn’t work is because you remind me of my sister, you know the scarfs, the headphone, you dye your hair… and she hates me and now you hate me too”

E – this is insane

A – that made me so angry and sick, all I wanted to do was to actually tell him the true, the one he tries desperately to hide from, but I knew that would destroy him

E – And what would you have said?

A – God don’t even know from where to start… That the reason why his wife cheated on him was because he’s so self absorbed on his fantasy world, forgetting completely about reality and neglecting her.

That he’s not a blessed creature who came from heaven who should be worshiped only because of his existence.
That all the compliments people make about him are not real, are mainly because he’s a puppet of this industry and people know exactly how to deal with someone who’s so vain and insecure like he is.
And no he’s not Kubrick, even though he made a very shitty version of the 2001 spaceship in one of his ads. 

He’s high on his own supply, doesn’t have friends,as he believes his ‘industry friends’ are real, and trust me they are not but people who will stand him till he’s not relevant anymore, which is happening already, to then never have to talk to him anymore as they will be giving attention to the younger and hotter ones
Making projects for kids and don’t even looking after his own children.

 Anotyer desperate  form of attention seeking trying to sell himself as someone who does ‘charity’ and wants to help… bullshit!
His ‘artwork’? Adding famous people’s names to skateboards, getting his production company PR team to invite those people to come to the exhibition only for the sake of having pictures on social media… really? One of the people he ‘honoured’ with a name engraved on a board is a friend and mentioned how sad it was, how strange it was.

Oh my God all that drama! The tantrums he throw on sets believing people will find it funny, which might be the actual reason why he doesn’t get work in the UK but because people actually know he’s completely unbalanced and not the bullshit he said to me about people not liking him because he used to be a planner, and went to Cambridge, that advertising in UK is not funny and he’s only good for the American and EU market, seriously?
That he has a daughter and I hope she will never have to meet a guy like him and be hurt, even though is already happening to her and he can’t even acknowledge what he’s doing.
….

A – But I didn’t want to be mean.

E – What kept you from saying all those things?

A – Because he’s already a zombie, and even though he broke me in a moment that I was already quite fragile, I didn’t wanted to do the same to him, I’m not a monster

E – you did the right thing

A – I know, but it doesn’t stop me to feel it

E – I know but still, you can talk to me, pretend I’m him and say everything you want to, but let him go… he will be this person forever and to be honest the only one who will have to deal with it is himself, he’s not your problem anymore. So what did you do?

A – I walked to the tube station and here I am

E – I’m glad you’re here, didn’t want to know you were on your own after all of this

A – I feel used, he was texting me every single day the whole time for months… Argh I don’t want to be angry like this, just want it to go away

E – it will go, but for now you can respect your feeling and allow them to come out

A – Should we go for a walk? I need to breath and I’m too agitated to be sitting here

E – I think you should, let’s go to that cafe by the lake

A – I hope he won’t regret it

E – Listen he might but he’s a coward, he will find another girl and do exactly the same, he’s a user and I’m sorry if he’s 43 years old and is still behaving like this you better off without him because it will only get worse and honestly if one day you feel like saying all those things to him, do it! If will heal the wound do it, maybe it will help him to wake up and do something about his life

A – Do you have  a spare coat I can borrow?

E – Yes

A – thanks for being here

E – Thanks for coming here, let’s leave or the blueberry pie will be gone

A – I think it’s gonna rain, should we bring an umbrella?

E – No, let’s take the risk 

A – I love you

E – I love you too

 

 

Late night tales 034 – Empathy

{ Casper & Elisabeth}

E – I will never understand why more more I notice a generalised lack of empathy from people…

I was talking to my mother this afternoon and she mentioned that people are being quite insistent about me not visiting, just to explain my way back home is not a train ride or a short flight… It’s a long one till the other side of the ocean so not simple to sort out

C – And what bothers you specifically about it? 

E – Is  something quite common in my country, people really like to mind each other’s business and I’m not like that, in fact I struggle to understand it

I have a newborn nephew and I knew there would be pressure for me to leave everything behind to go and see him, so it doesn’t shock me that much but still uncomfortable 

C – The way you see it is as if people can’t perhaps try to understand the reason why you’re not going but only point to finger to accuse you of A or B?

E – Exactly!

E- I know I’m not a saint but I always try to understand ones situation before taking any conclusion, I even tend to lie to myself as I want to believe people have a pretty reasonable explanation  to behave in certain ways… Anyway I don’t want to vent at you

C – It’s ok I don’t mind, I like talking to you also I like to listen and understand 

E – Ha! Clever move Casper

C – I’m trying  my best

E – Thanks that’s good to know

C – that’s good to say… What time do you have to leave?

E – I should go now actually

C – Can you send me a message when you get home? I want to be sure you’re ok

E – I will

C – See you very soon 

E – Have a good night Casper

C – You too Elisabeth 

Late Night Tales 033 – words

{Sam and Elisabeth}

S – For someone who write letters you seem to be lacking on words lately, no?

E- I don’t know what’s going on Sam…

S – You don’t?

E – Not completely, perhaps I’m just tired

S – Tired of what?

E – everthing… Hm everything would be an exaggeration.

It’s 05:45am and I can hear birds singing, that actually brings some sort of joy… you know I love the silence right?

S – I do, but the birds probably remind you the days and nights you spent writing your book

E – oh yeah my book where the birds were ‘super singing’, I miss those days you know? Everything had a dash of freedom and lack of responsibility and with all the existent limitations things were still easier which is a weird concept when you’re talking about life

S – what should we do then?

E – I’m cooking breakfast, do you want to come over?

S- Yes

E – ok

 

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{Nikkormat FT – ISO 800 Lomographic film}

Late Night Tales 031 – Note

{I found  a note on the street today, it was just a 1/3 wrapped piece of paper with the following words}

“We are all part of the same lonely and frustrated life.

Independently of your achievements, obviously if you’re not self-absorbed living a weird ego trip that only you can explain ( or even not you can), deep inside when you wake up in the middle of the night as the insomnia is hitting there’s a big chance you will feel alone and scared.

Oh insomnia the little devil who comes over to end up our dreams, literally.

Sometimes caused by them, other times by the conscious mind who still can’t be turned off.

I’m in my bedroom now staring at the ceiling where I can see the garden shadows and I feel lonely, not due a lack of options, friends or lovers but maybe… and I’m saying maybe seeing myself sitting here wearing only my old Rolling Stones t-shirt, struggling with a 30 degrees temperature, dry air, TV noise, some pain on my joints, dirty hair, street noises, backstreet lights and possibly trying to blame the moon phase as, we all know, I can’t sleep when the full moon is out.

Confusing

Not making sense, at all

What’s sense anyway? What are the senses of making sense?

If you find the answers, please send this letter back to me as I would love to know”

 

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Late night tales 030 – early mornings/ late nights 

I don’t get when people say that they hate mornings… It’s around 6am now and I wish I could hold to this moment for the rest of the day.

Is really hot in London now and at this time of the day, The Sun is out but it still a bit cool. 

The light hits the curtain projecting a purple tint all over the room and the cat lays down on the only spot where the sunlight can hit.
Is quiet, you hear the birds, the seagulls, the wind… How can someone not be able to appreciate that?

So why? Why can we not freeze this moment for a day and be there where we feel safe?

I generally have the same feeling for late nights, specially the time around 3am, I clearly remember writing scripts and very personal letters at 3:30am, it’s a different silent but one of the same kind that you don’t want to be broken.

I brought an amethyst with me today for my morning practice, yeah I do transcendental meditation thought would be important to tell you as there’s a very angry energy flying around me after a recent backstabbing, but that’s a subject for another letter.

Because now it’s 7am already and I really want to go back to this exact moment 

Love 

Elisabeth