Sorry for such a long radio silence but things took some weird proportions my end, I feel like I haven’t been true to you the last times we’ve spoke so I thought would be good to write you this letter.
I’m a mess right now, life is overwhelming to an extent that I don’t know what to do to even start getting some relief, imagine fixing it.
It can come across as harsh and crude but I guess will be the best way to make you understand what’s going on, please don’t be scared, you are the only person I can trust right now
I’m tired, very it’s been a long time. I’ve been living a lie, which I have no clue how it started, maybe because I don’t want people to know the real me but to like the concept of me.
No one wants to deal with the broken ones, they only want you to serve and cheer and give them the lack of life is also missing their end, and this is hurtful.
Yesterday I tried to reach several people, the answers I’ve got were:
“Go to sleep, we talk tomorrow” – at 3pm
“Why don’t you take some valium?” – if people knew how much it hurts to be seen as a diagnoses they would never suggest that.
“Things will be better tomorrow, don’t worry” – guess what? they are not.
Between a few others…
How did that make me feel?
That trying to reach to others is useless and you can end up feeling way more rejected and hurt than you were before, that’s why I’m writing you.
To be completely fair there was one friend who lives in America who stayed with me online for a while trying to make me laugh, and that worthed the world to me because on that moment I felt safe and looked after, even though the person was miles and miles away from me.
There’s a lot going on inside my mind and also practical things that are making it worse and/or causing all of this.
My health, my freedom, my career and ideas, my heart, everything is together in a hiatus that I don’t know how to start giving it any movement.
The mental prison comes from the fact that, right now, I can’t go anywhere as my documents are stuck with the embassy, that also affects my ability on changing jobs or anything else I will need a valid ID for… I feel stuck.
It only rains, there’s no Sun, no heat… soon will be cold and miserable and I can’t get out.
They promised me 6 months, which is due by now, but the last time I spoke to them they said that it might actually take 12.
So this is number 01 issue.
Number 02 is my health, a complete mess that I don’t really want to start getting angry or asking why.
Remember that fun thing that everything that’s rare happens to me, right?
Oh well this year they gave me cancer ( which came as negative), a stroke ( which we are still unsure about till all the results come together), a rare blood condition that can kill me on any minute ( this one is true and I’m doing all I can to sort it out) and I’m losing my hair.
I hate the way I look, remember that I used to be anorexic during my 20’s? Yeah that never went and telling people that because you have an eating disorder you end up hating yourself is not something everyone understand right?
People here are feeders and they don’t listen when you say: “I can’t eat this, thank you”, even if you have a disease that will clog your arteries and kill you, they want you to eat, they want you to have tons of the great food they spent time in the kitchen preparing it, or how dare you to go to X restaurant and have a salad?????
“Is this diet of yours a fitness thing, right?”
If people knew that trying to force a person with eating disorders to eat is as violent as trying to force a gay person to be straight.
But they don’t mean to hurt me, I know… Just wish they would listen.
I hate the way I look (again), many times I don’t go out or let people take pictures of me cause I don’t want to have my image registered like this, I don’t want to be the funny fat friend, I just don’t.
“Oh but you’re beautiful”
Yeah my face is pretty but I look like shit, I avoid going on dates and tend to blow everything before even meeting as I don’t want to feel rejected for looking bad and, what results of that is that I feel more and more unloved and lonely.
I was exercising a lot and feeling great about it but, again the way my useless body is build makes me very prone to injuries so I’m obviously hurt and it quite some pain, result of is I can barely exercise.
But what about your art projects? Everything is going so well…!
On paper yes, in reality no.
I bet you wonder why…
Not everything can be done exclusively by myself, and the ones I’m dependent on other people who said they wanted to get involved and help are just not moving. People are too busy with their lives, they don’t want to be part of my projects, even though they say they really want to which I find very confusing and frustrating, so I keep doing bits and pieces on my own, which delays everything and makes me think:
“Why am I spending my time doing this?”
“Oh yeah ’cause I have this goal… but why do I?”
As you can see there’s a lot going on and to make it harder, because of the stroke threat I can’t even get drunk and try to forget it for a bit.
So I’m stuck in this land, with both my feet planted on the ground, watching life passing in front of me and wondering if hell is not actually here.
I’m not happy it’s been years Sam and to be honest I don’t know for how much longer I will be able to hold this together, but I’m trying and I will try for as long as I can.
Independently of that I want to know about you, about Mary and Nate, your work and everything about you, as it’s been ages and I miss you.
Hope to hear from you soon.